I don’t even know where to begin. I was diagnosed with hiv three years ago. My husband was cheating on me and passed Hiv along to me. I have an undetectable viral load meaning I cannot transmit it but nonetheless I still take precautions and I am open with people am close with about my status. My brother is getting married soon and his girlfriend is pregnant. Four days ago I received an email from my brother saying if I attempt to see their child or contact them they will take legal action. I talked to my brother the day before the email came, we had lunch and everything was fine. Now he has blocked me.
All of my family has abandon me. I see how they behave when I attend family functions the uneasiness and looks. I am not wanted anywhere. I lost my job due to depression when I first got diagnosed. I couldn’t even bring myself to get out of bed. My own parents have been acting funny towards me and the worst part is when I wanted to leave my husband for cheating these were the same people encouraging me to stay and pray but now are no where to be found in my crisis. It hurts so much and I was really looking forward to being an aunt.
Last night I planned to commit suicide.
I had tried other means but it had not worked in the past and I felt like drowning would be the best way to go about it. I took an uber to the beach last night. I sat and watched a few people and thought about my life. How crazy things change. Never in a million years did I think I would be in this position. I walked further down to a place where I could hide and that was dark to pass away time till the beach was empty. The last few minutes before I entered the water I felt this shiver inside, i just couldn’t stop crying. I entered the water and immediately felt the cold water running through my body. I kept telling myself it will be over soon and to relax. I closed my eyes and I kept going further. As I was saying my last prayer I felt a hand on my shoulder and we both started crying.
It was a young lady of 19years. She told me when she saw me she just knew because she had come there to do the exact same thing. She told me that she confessed to her parents that she was a lesbian and had been struggling throughout her early teens. She said they beat her and took her to a certain pastor for deliverance. He told them to fetch her after a week and then he raped her. So she escaped and decided that she didn’t want to live anymore. We were two broken souls who found comfort in each other. Anyways the main reason I am writing this is for people to always do what is best for you. Never live your life to please others because when troubles come you will be alone.
I wish I left earlier and trusted my gut. Please don’t end up like me it’s never worth it. I am just waiting to get my life back on track and my financial independence and then I will leave. My husband has not change and is even worse. I know he is still sleeping around and infecting people. Please try and do stds and hiv test before having sex and use protection. The world is scary and maybe just maybe my story can save someone. As long as there is breathe there is still life and am hopeful for a better future and now I have a new friend.
I feel like God gave me a second chance and I wanted to share my story. Perhaps through me I can be a vessel for change and hope
Hmmm